The best credit crunch jokes to have you laughing all the way to the bank
How do you define optimism?
A banker who irons five shirts on a Sunday.
What's the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza? The pizza can still feed a family of four.
As a surprise, a chief exec's wife pops by his office. She finds him in an unorthodox position, with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitation, he starts dictating: '. . . and in conclusion, gentlemen, credit crunch or no credit crunch, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.'
Why have estate agents stopped looking out of the window in the morning?
Because otherwise they'd have nothing to do in the afternoon.
What do you call five hedge fund managers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.
What's the difference between an investment banker and a pigeon?
The pigeon is still capable of leaving a deposit on a new Ferrari.
The credit crunch has helped me get back on my feet. The car's been repossessed.
Latest news: The Isle of Dogs bank has collapsed.
They've called in the retrievers.
What do you say to a hedge fund manager who can't sell anything?
A Quarter-pounder with fries, please.
Overheard in a City bar: 'This credit crunch is worse than a divorce. I've lost half my net worth and I still have a wife.'
The bank returned a cheque to me this morning, stamped: 'insufficient funds.'
Is it them or me?
Bradford & Bingley employees are concerned they were given no notice of the takeover by Santander Bank.
A Government spokesman said: 'No one expected the Spanish acquisition.'
What's the difference between the BBC's Business Editor Robert Peston and God?
God doesn't think he's Robert Peston.
You know it's a credit crunch when...
* The cashpoint asks if you can spare any change.
* There's a 'buy one, get one free' offer - on banks.
* The Inland Revenue is offering a 25 per cent discount for cash-payers.
* Gordon Brown has stopped chewing his nails and started sucking his thumb.
* Your builder asks to be paid in Zimbabwean dollars rather than sterling.
What's the capital of Iceland?
An architect, a surgeon and an economist are discussing the Creation. The surgeon says: 'Look, we surgeons are most important. God's a surgeon because the first thing he did was to extract Eve from Adam's rib.' The architect says: 'No, wait a minute, God is an architect. He made the world in seven days out of chaos.' The economist smiles: 'And who made the chaos?'
A man went to his bank manager and said: 'I'd like to start a small business. How do I go about it?' 'Simple,' said the bank manager. 'Buy a big one and wait.'
Money talks. Trouble is, mine knows only one word: 'Goodbye.'
A young man asked an elderly rich man how he made his money. 'Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last penny, so I invested that penny in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold that apple for ten pennies. 'The next morning I bought two apples, spent the day polishing them and sold them for 20 pennies. I continued this for a month, by which time I'd accumulated a fortune of £1.37. 'Then my wife's father died and left us £2 million.'
What have an Icelandic bank and an Icelandic streaker got in common?
They both have frozen assets.
A director decided to award a prize of £50 for the best idea of saving the company money during the credit crunch.
It was won by a young executive who suggested reducing the prize money to £10.
Relentless & endless suffering – 2
2 days ago